Below are some jokes, puns, and witticisms which may or may not be relevant to technical writers. Thanks to all who contributed to this page—and to all who didn't know they did!

What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma has a pause at the end of its clause.

     Here's an easy game to play.
     Here's an easy thing to say.

     If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
     And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
     And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
     Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

     If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
     And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
     And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
     Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

     You can't say this?
     What a shame, sir!
     We'll find you
     another game, sir!

     If the label on the cable on the table at your house
     Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
     But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
     That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
     And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
     So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
     Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
     'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

     When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
     And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
     Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
     Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Question:  How many feet do mice have?

Original reply:  Mice have four feet.
Mgmt. Comment:  Elaborate!

Revision 1:  Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Mgmt. Comment:  No discussion of fifth appendage!

Revision 2:  Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is a tail.
Mgmt. Comment:  What?  Feet with no legs?

Revision 3:  Mice have four legs, four feet and one tail per unit-mouse.
Mgmt. Comment:  Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4:  Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Mgmt. Comment:  Does not fully discuss the issue!

Revision 5:  Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Mgmt. Comment:  Descriptive?  Yes.  Forceful?  NO!

Revision 6:  Allotment appendages for mice will be: Four leg-foot assemblies, one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Mgmt. Comment: Too authoritative; stifles creativity!

Revision 7:  Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system.  Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Mgmt. Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!

FINAL REVISION APPROVED BY MANAGEMENT: Mice have four feet.

Dear John:
    I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
    Gloria

Dear John:
    I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
    Gloria

I had only just arrived at the club when I bumped into Roger. After we had exchanged a few pleasantries, he lowered his voice and asked, "What do you think of Martha and I as a potential twosome?"

"That," I replied, "would be a mistake. Martha and me is more like it."

"You're interested in Martha?"

"I'm interested in clear communication."

"Fair enough," he agreed. "May the best man win." Then he sighed. "Here I thought we had a clear path to becoming a very unique couple."

"You couldn't be a very unique couple, Roger."

"Oh? And why is that?"

"Martha couldn't be a little pregnant, could she?"

"Say what? You think that Martha and me...."

"Martha and I."

"Oh." Roger blushed and set down his drink. "Gee, I didn't know."

"Of course you didn't," I assured him. "Most people don't."

"I feel very badly about this."

"You shouldn't say that: I feel bad...."

"Please, don't," Roger said. "If anyone's at fault here, it's me!"

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.  Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

    Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

    Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia.  The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

    "For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words.  The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

    The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients.  Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

    Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels.  "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said.  "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else.  Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

    Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries.  This is my dream."

   The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984.  During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.

Lost: small apricot poodle.  Reward.  Neutered.  Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant.  Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

 Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself?  Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Christmans tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school.  Experience preferred.

Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate?  Write today for free help.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Wanted: Haircutter. Excellent growth potential.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting.  They are simply the tops.

1.  Avoid alliteration.  Always.
2.  Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
4.  Employ the vernacular.
5.  Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6.  Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7.  Remember to never split an infinitive.
8.  Contractions aren't necessary.
9.  Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best.
16. One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
17. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
18. The passive voice is to be avoided.
19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
21. Who needs rhetorical questions?
22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation.
24. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point
25. Do not put statements in the negative form.
26. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
27. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
29. A writer must not shift your point of view.
30. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
    (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
32. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
36. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. The adverb always follows the verb.
40. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

Woke up this morning,
Belted that damn clock.
Drove my caddie to the office,
To work on a doc.

I got the blues.
I got them techwriter blues.
The more I pound the keyboard,
The more I got the blues.

My bed is usually empty,
'Cause I'm workin' every night.
While I'm slavin' in the office,
My woman "works offsite."

I got the blues.
I got them techwriter blues.
The more I scrounge specifications,
The more I got the blues.

Crashed a PC in Memphis,
While using Master Doc.
My contract got terminated,
Cuz I punched out my POC.

I got the blues.
I got them techwriter blues.
The more I thumb the styleguide,
The more I got the blues.

I can't be satisfied,
With killin' all these trees.
But I won't be free of writin'
'Til I'm lyin' 'neath the weeds.

I got the blues,
I got them techwriter blues.
The more I brown-nose the techies,
The more I got the blues.

Here is a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:

• When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in Leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly Naked."

 
• Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."

 
• Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."

• When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in German is the guttural equivalent of "sexual penetration."

 
• Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse.

 
• The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No Va" means "It Does Not Go" in Spanish.

 
• When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."

 
• When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness In The Mouth."

 
• When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA--with the cute baby on the label. Later they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what is inside since most people can not read.

The New York matron sniffed down her nose, "Where we don't end a sentence with a preposition."

The southern lady tried again, "So, where you all from, Bitch."

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!  Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, and software engineers will be detested. The BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

I have a spelling checker, It came with my PC; It plainly marks four my revue Mistakes I cannot sea. I've run this poem threw it, I'm sure your please too no, Its letter perfect in it's weight, My checker tolled me sew.

Author unknown

  1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
  2) The farm was used to produce produce.
  3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
  5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its
called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow.

Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

More Miscellaneous Thoughts

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

P.S.Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

And Even More Miscellaneous Thoughts

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Changes last made on: 8 October 2008